(Our version of “Mounds” Candy bars….which I came up with to get more coconut oil into our diet. It’s made for a nice treat for those of us who don’t eat candy bars).
What do you do when you want your family to eat healthy food but everyone is offering them sweets and junk food all the time? This question was brought up in the comments on my last post.
It’s definitely a sensitive issue! Instead of leaving a really long reply in the comment section, I thought I would post a few of my thoughts here. This post is hardly addressing all of the many issues, but just talking through a few of my first thoughts on this issues.
Why is this such a sensitive issue?
One thing that I have observed is that it can hurt/offend people to refuse to eat their food, even when you have a really good reason such as a food intolerance.
Why is that?
I believe it is because it goes back to a very ingrained sense of hospitality and sharing. Historically, refusing to eat at some one’s table was very insulting, as was a host not providing food for a guest. While our culture in America is probably not as hospitable as it should be, I think we still have a sense that we should provide well for our guests…..and can be hurt when our guests reject our food.
Another reason people can take offense is because, even when graciously refused, people feel like you are giving the message that their food isn’t good enough for you and your family. Or that you are judging how they eat.
This can make it awkward for someone who really doesn’t want to offend anyone, but has health reasons for having to avoid certain foods or just plain convictions on what’s okay and what’s not okay to eat.
I don’t think I have any magic words of encouragement or advice, but here’s a few thoughts.
The 80/20 Rule
For some without particular health problems requiring particular diets, they have chosen to follow the 80/20 percent rule. 80 percent of the time they work at eating as well as they can at home. The other 20 percent is for eating out, parties, holidays, and when at other’s homes.
The advantage of this “rule” is that it gives you the freedom to not worry about the occasional splurge. The disadvantage is that 20 percent is actually a pretty high percentage and many people feel that eating well 80 percent of the time isn’t quite enough to have the benefits of health and well being.
If you are on a healing diet, such as GAPS or The Body Ecology diet, eating right 80 percent of the time won’t give you the results. And I will admit that there are just some foods that I hate ever eating ( Corn syrup, Soy oil, MSG) though I am sure I do occasionally. I would say that we are on the 90/10 rule most of the time, but there have been seasons where that has been thrown out the window.
Educate
I have found that most people will respect the way you eat when you explain why, especially if you are careful to center your reasons on your own family so that it doesn’t seem like you are judging the way they eat. You don’t have to give a lecture. Sometimes even a simple, “Oh, we’ve found that if we avoid certain foods we feel a lot better, so we aren’t eating white sugar right now.” or ” Our family has an allergy to milk” will do. Some people are really interested in how we eat and will ask a lot of questions. This is the best case scenario and has given me opportunity to explain more thoroughly the benefits we have seen in eating better.
For other friends, even ones that think I am crazy, explaining some of my health struggles and then explaining why I am eating a certain way has helped them to understand where I am coming from and be very supportive. They might not agree with me, but at least they know where I am coming from.
It goes the same with sugar and candy. Sometimes you may not have a huge “health issue”, but just don’t want your kids filling up on junk. Explaining in a nonjudgmental manner why you are helping your kids avoid certain foods can at least help some people understand your viewpoint.
And at some point it can just become silly. I am not sure why some relatives are convinced that your children need to be stuffed full of sweets to be happy, but they can be. Sometimes you just have to look out for your child’s best interest and lay down the law.
Forewarn
However, if we aren’t willing to eat whatever is set before us (like when we were on the GAPS diet), I always talk to friends or family before we get together. And I always offer to bring food that we can eat. I mean, it can be a little hard sometimes for even me to come up with food for us to eat, so why should I expect them to stress over it? It usually goes something like this, “I am so excited to get together with you guys next week! Thanks for inviting us. I just wanted to let you know that we are avoiding dairy right now because of an allergy. But I know it’s a pain to cook without dairy and I don’t want you to worry about cooking for our special needs, so, if you just want to tell me what you are serving, I can bring food to go along with it that we can eat.”
I generally find that my friends will insist on trying to cook for us anyways, even though I feel bad about them trying so hard and sometimes it works for me to bring along our own food. I also try to have people come to our house most often simply to avoid the awkwardness.
Have an Understanding with Your Children
I think the hardest thing is dealing with your own kids if they feel left out or resentful. While Elena is still too young to have experienced a lot of this, I have seen this with other families with older children.
But I have also been surprised at how “grown up” children can be about food. When Elena was three and under and we were on the GAPS diet, she wouldn’t throw a fit or cry, or anything like that when people were eating her very favorite foods in front of her. While as her mom, I would feel really bad if we were at some one’s house, such as my in-laws, and they were chowing down on rice (her favorite) and she couldn’t have any, she accepted that she was eating special food. And that was a point when she really did need to be on a special diet.
We have always tried to “talk through” things with Elena, even from a young age. It’s amazing what they can understand and comprehend. I think it’s really important that they know why we eat what we do. If they understand the love and nurture you are conveying through your food choices, it can make it easier for them.
And always talk to them before parties and holidays about what’s okay to eat and what’s not. “You can have one piece of candy from Grandma, but that’s all!”. That way you don’t have an awkward argument in front of others.
However, as your children grow, I think that at some point it has to be their own decision. I wouldn’t relish controlling what a teenager ate out, for example. My hope is that I can touch the palate of our children and give them excellent food to grow on. I, of course, hope that they will make wise choices as they get older, but I know that eventually it will become their own personal responsibility.
“Make it up” to Them
However, I do try to avoid turning our diet into a list of restrictions. I try to rejoice in what we can eat! Although it’s a lot more hard work, I do try to provide special foods for Elena when she can’t have the birthday cake or candy that other people are eating. It doesn’t always happen, but I do put an effort into not making her feel that her diet is all restriction.
This makes it better for adults too. When my husband and I were on a very strict Nourishing Traditions no compromise diet before we got pregnant with Elena, I would make special treats for my husband. For example he went to a weekly meeting where desserts were served. He agreed not to eat them, so I would always try to have a little snack for him when he got home. Even if it was a simple as homemade hot cocoa, it made it all the easier for him to avoid foods when he was out when he knew that he had good food to eat when he got home.
I know that this doesn’t answer all of the questions everyone had or take away the frustrations and awkwardness that happens when you are trying to eat a certain way despite unsupportive friends and family. But I do hope that some of this has been helpful, even in just knowing that this is something we also have had to work through. And I would love to hear your thoughts!
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Bleh on this issue! Food intolerances and hospitality don’t mix very well. I used to follow the 80/20 rule, but then we found out that I have celiac disease. So no more cheating for me, even when someone has tried so hard to accommodate my diet. :/ Most Americans are growing more familiar with food allergies, accept my explanations, and let me bring my own food. But we spend a lot of time with internationals and they frequently have no cultural concept of food intolerances and so take it personally. Very difficult.
One thing we have done to ease the hospitality issue is that my husband eats whatever is put in front of him (even massive mounds of cake, which he doesn’t like at all!) when we are at someone’s home. I can’t do it, but he can. That helps people not take things so personally. Relationships are so easily damaged – it really helps if someone in the family who has a higher tolerance to junk food just graciously accepts what is offered.
We haven’t faced the issue with kids yet, but I’ve been gleaning tips from watching other parents. One family has an established potluck rule that you can eat one sugary thing (soda pop or cake, but not both). So their kids pick which thing they want and things seem to go pretty smoothly. I’m not sure how many people even realize there is a family rule behind the kids’ choices. Another family eats whatever is put in front of them in a home setting, but limits the dessert to one item at a potluck-type setting.
Aside from the issue of intolerances, making kids say No to all junk food has backfired in a number of families I’ve seen. As soon as the kids are out from under the parental eye, they go bonkers loading up on sugar!!
Anyway, hard issue….
I find that conspicuously wielding my blood sugar monitor does wonders.
Those coconut bars look awesome–I’m not sure how I missed them. I’m going to whip up a batch as soon as I figure out how I want to de-carb them.
It is tricky and I’m trying to slowly become more proactive about these issues. For instance, this Easter we travelled to see family and we all ate way more junk than healthy (my four year old woke up sick today and I’m certain it is a result of all that sugar). I could have discussed this ahead of time with my kids & husband so we all knew how we’d deal with food issues. I already have food allergies and don’t eat meat, though, (which modifies what I am able to eat at other people’s homes) so to say no to yet more just feels like I’ll offend my family.
Thank you for your insight. The feelings around nourishment are very delicate- especially for women since we by our nature are nurturing. I know how it feels to have people not like what I serve. While I don’t mind an occasional good splurge, I start to become unsettled when the gluttony goes on for several days – as just happened with various church, friend, and family gatherings. Also, if I try to serve everything nourishing but the junk and treats, then I don’t feel like I have the chance to serve and teach my children what a real dessert should be. I want them to know that dessert is seasonal fruit, cheese, or a wonderful homemade pie, etc, that is served after a nourishing meal and should be enjoyed, while sitting with loved ones and laughter. Totally cheesy, I know, but that is my vision. Thanks for all you do.
I try to do the best I can when I am at other people’s houses, and choose the most healthy things. This works best in potluck-types of situations where no one is really noticing what you’re eating. If they try to push some of the worse for you things, I can say I’m full. One trick I learned from weight watchers is to ask if you can take some home for later.
Such good advice, thank you!
This was exactly what I needed to read. It has given me things to think about & how to do better next holiday or get together. It is very hard to restrict junk food in other people’s houses & not be mean about it. I need to do more talking & explaining before hand to both my husband & 3 year old daughter.
We have changed our diet a lot in the past 6 months when we moved to a new state. I was able to “control” what our family ate easily because most food was being made by me. It is not so easy when we are around others.
Thanks for sharing & I hope we can continue to give our family’s foods that nourish most of the time.
I cannot even begin to touch on how big of an *issue* our eating habits have become for close family. We are not strict NT or anything specific, but my oldest daughter is on a fairly strict behaviour diet, and with being pregnant myself, we take nutrition VERY seriously around here (she is no HFCS, no artificial color/flavor/dye/preservative, low sugar- I am eating Brewer for pregnancy). Easter was tough- more because we decided to ‘see how it went if we didn’t step in the way’, knowing the people we were seeing knew about our normal restrictions. Needless to say, my poor 3y/o took the entire next day detoxing. We will not be trying that route again. We generally go by the 90/10- sometimes 80/20 around a specific family member that I am MORE than sick of listening to.
Thanks for the insight!
Thank you for addressing this important issue. Good job! Through our healthy eating journey there have been times where I have had to put my foot down. Sometimes people are very understanding. Other times they are downright offended. Occasionally a person has become hostile! I cannot control the reactions other people have, but I always go out of my way to be kind, openly thankful to them, to never ever condemn what they eat or have prepared, and to offer explanations when asked. But sometimes I am mis-understood, and while I try to avoid it, I can’t control it.
What I have experienced overall is that people who get offended by my choices are generally the ones who feel convicted about them. While they are not typically at a point to accept that realization, it does help me to understand better where they are coming from.
We went out of town for Easter. I took the most nourishing, portable foods that I could for our snacks and breakfasts: a jug of fresh raw milk, a couple packages of farm fresh beef jerky, several varieties of Larabars, “safe” crackers, fresh raw cheese, a couple of hard-boiled farm-fresh eggs, and everyone had their own water bottle. I also took several Kombucha for myself. That way I knew we were all getting some true nourishment at some point in the day. After the traditional egg hunt, I went through the 4 yr. old’s candy and said she could pick 2 things and we were leaving the rest. She was thrilled to get 2 and was very compliant! My 9 yr. old was told that she was not to eat all of it, she could have some, but remember to go easy. She willingly did and I was so proud. My 12 yr. old chose to opt out of all desserts because he is acutely aware of how sugar suppresses his immune system and he was already battling a cold. I’m so proud of him! This wasn’t an overnight accomplishment!
Again, thank you for addressing this issue. I plan to share your post with many people.
thank you SO much for this coconut bar recipe! i tried it (with slight variation) when you originally posted it. it’s become a staple for us … with different add-ins, depending on what we’ve got! thank you.
Honestly, we don’t make a deal of it when we eat at others’ homes. We don’t eat out much at all, we don’t buy junk, for the most part, so I figure it isn’t a huge deal if we eat a little a few times a year. I don’t want to impose the level of work and cost of food that we expend on our families, for a meal or two. We serve that at our home and haven’t made any big deals with family or friends. We don’t have allergies or food sensitivities, so that isn’t an issue, so we just accept with thanks the love and effort they offer.
We also have some religious dietary rules. However, unless we are among friends who are close enough to know us well and not be offended or make an issue of it (we have some family who would purposely serve foods we are supposed to avoid on those days, just to make it an issue), we don’t say anything and again just accept the meal with thanks. We have explained to our children that not everyone eats like we do, it is usually because they do not understand and we are to be gracious no matter what is served to us.
I agree with this.
My personal principles behind my decisions to eat what we eat and not what we don’t don’t mix with my desire to commune with my loved ones in varying ways.
I am always grateful for a meal served to me out of love and would never think to turn up my nose unless I had a situation such as allergy or like another poster mentioned, celiac, cancer etc.
Thanks for posting the the “candy bar” recipe, too!
As a vegetarian I have dealt with this issue for years! I have learned many coping skills. I can’t just graciously accept a meat dish, so I have to have a way to deal with meals at friends and families. Most people will try to accommodate me if they know ahead of time. I always assure the host that there will be plenty of “sides” for me to eat. I offer to bring a pasta dish for everyone to share. I eat before going. I too have found that more people are becoming aware of differences in eating preferences and take it less personally in American families. Thanks for addressing this.
Thanks for addressing this issue! It really helps to have several people share their tips. We’re still learning how to eat nourishing and how to address this when we spend time with others. When they ask questions, it is nice to share what we’ve learned and how it has helped our family, however I’m still learning how to keep it brief and not let it turn into a lecture. 😀 Thanks for your tips and for sharing from your experience. You really are an encouragement for those of us who are still new at this. 🙂
I was on a diet similiar to the Body Ecology Diet when my son and I were invited to a classmate of his home for pizza. I didn’t know the woman well and offered to bring a salad so I would have something I knew I could eat. She told me she was making a salad. I SO wished I had explained to her that I was on a diet. Her ‘salad’ was a Snicker Bar salad (no kidding!). The apples in it were the only real non-processed food at the table. It was too late to explain so I enjoyed the meal, drank lots of water and didn’t have much of a reaction. But from then on, even if I didn’t know the person well I explain that I have some food intolerances and offer to bring a side dish that will go well with whatever they are serving.
This is very timely for me too – thank you! I’m lucky to mostly have people in my life who are willing & able to accommodate my dietary needs (food sensitivities, candida, trying to heal my metabolism, etc). I know they get tired of it, and I always offer to bring my own, but they still try.
The hard part for me is that I get very grumpy after a day of faithfully avoiding what everyone else is indulging on (at Easter it was dark chocolate, wine, cheese). I’m pretty new at cutting out sugar/alcohol/dairy and feel the benefit in my body, but don’t have strong will-power. I find resisting the things I love very draining.
I admire how you’ve given your daughter tools and support for this. She’s got a great head-start on eating well in the future. She may deviate for a while, but what you are teaching her will likely prevail in the end (my teenage step-daughter went crazy as soon as she was out of her mother’s control – but now, as a young adult with children of her own, has returned to healthy eating).
Again, thank you!
I agree, this is a tough issue. When I was on my anti-candida diet and on GAPS, I struggled but eventually came to peace with what I could and couldn’t eat.
It’s even tougher with kids.
My way of dealing with this is to do what you do, Kimi — discuss the terms with family members and friends in advance, and also provide plenty of delicious legal treats to make up for all the stuff we couldn’t eat when we were out.
When we were on GAPS, I made a really good coconut milk & honey ice cream. We also ate things like coconut flour blueberry muffins (sweetened with honey). We’d skip other treats and look forward to the legal ones.
Now that we are not on GAPS and we don’t have any sensitivities, we do the 80/20 rule. When I go out to eat, I don’t worry about it. When we visit family and friends, we don’t worry about it.
I do try to eat at better restaurants, though — where the chefs cook with real bone broth. Not always possible, but I try.
Oh, and we just went on vacation for a week. We brought our own food and cooked in the kitchen that was in our hotel.
It was a lot of work but we really enjoyed it and you know what? We saved a TON of money. We spent less than half what we would have spent if we had eaten out every day.
And we ate so well! Breakfast each morning was eggs and bacon or sprouted bagels and lox, or baked oatmeal. For lunch we made deviled eggs and sandwiches. For dinner, we grilled grass-fed burgersand BBQ chicken (with BBQ sauce made with honey), or pesto-crusted salmon — and I made homemade mac & cheese for the kids. We even made our own ice cream (I brought the ice cream maker) and Kate had an ice cream cake for her 3rd birthday (made with maple syrup).
It’s difficult sometimes to live this way — but I think it’s totally worth it.
This Easter I managed to limit my children’s sugar intake by the rule we follow at home – real food before sweets. Well, real food meaning meal food – most of it was white etc. My 3 year old knows that this is the way we eat, and despite desire for the cakes, was too excited to play with her cousins to sit for long to eat. I usually try and bring something for everyone to share, something that I can steer the kids toward if they want a sweet.
Someone mentioned internationals not understanding food intolerances – it’s really true because it’s simply not around as much. In Canada, most people get allergies – look at schools banning peanuts. I now live in Slovakia, and the allergy plague is just starting. A few celiacs, a couple people with skin problems, but it’s really a non-issue. My MIL just does.not.get. that my kids can’t handle cow’s milk.
The in-law family makes fun of me for being such a food freak, but when some relatives came over and brought stuffed animals for the kids instead of the normal candy, I was glad I’ve stuck to my guns. I try hard to never let anyone feel like I’m judging the way that they eat (which sometimes requires significant self-control), but am not apologetic for the way we eat. That said, except for intolerances, we eat what is placed in front of us when we eat at other’s homes, even if it makes me internally wince.
Thanks so much for addressing this issue. I have learned it’s a sensitive subject and, if people feel you are judging them, it can cause problems in the relationship. My eldest daughter had a dairy ans soy allergy when she was younger and while she currently doesn’t have it, she does break out in hives around her mouth when she eats pasteurized hard cheeses and soy, so that helps a bit since cheese and soy is in EVERYTHING. I just tell people she has a soy allergy, though technically a stretching of the truth, but it’s easier for people to accept than, “Ellie used to have a soy and milk allergy and now she is sensitive to it.”
We have the one treat rule for parties and holidays and it works for us, though I still have to deal with treats being handed out at parties, Sunday school (even the bank and grocery store!)
The girls have been raised this way so they graciously accept they can have one treat and no goodies from goody bags etc. It’s harder for others to accept though. I constantly feel attacked and demeaned by a particular family member because of it. It’s kind of ridiculous. It’s not like I’m locking my kids in a closet and feeding them bread and water. I don’t know why people think sugar is necessary for a kids health and wellness. Oh well. I appreciate your tips and reading everyone’s experience with this issue.
This is an interesting discussion. I often feel the same pressures when eating out or with friends and family so it is nice to hear that I am not alone.
I am, however, worried about how to deal with this in terms of children.
After struggling with an eating disorder that involved a lot of restricting foods, labeling certain foods as “bad”, and otherwise finding ways to “control” food and exercise, I worry that starting a child out in life with restrictions and forbidden foods and stress about eating in social situations will develop an unhealthy mental state. Certainly preparing healthful foods at home and modeling healthy eating and attitudes will benefit their physical health, but I’m not sure that saying they can’t have any birthday cake will really help their physical selves more than impacting their emotional selves.
I know this is a hot-button issue, but I also know how deep seated and serious issues of control and food can be
Many people have no choice but to avoid certain foods. My husband has a genetic metabolic disorder that required a very special diet growing up. It could certainly be hard to follow, but even from an early age he knew it wasn’t an issue of control, but rather in his best interest.
I would be much more concerned about parents who make an issue about weight their focus. A child who is asked to avoid candy, but given yummy healthy treats instead won’t feel that he is purposely being derived from food or given a complex about eating food. Our food choices are always centered on what’s good for us and what makes us feel good, not whether or not it will make us fat.
That said, I think that most people in this discussion allow their children sugary treats sometimes. 🙂
I have been doing this for 16 years~ and it really doesn’t get easier. You have people who support you, and others who won’t. Strangers who ‘get’ it and others who refuse to respect it. You deal the best you can and do what works for you. When my kids were little, I’d let them eat the food that made them sick, after letting them decide they wanted it, and then I’d ask them how they felt . . they learned to listen to their bodies and avoid what made them sick naturally . . . and people learned to back off . . . most of the time.
Thank you Kimi, for this..it is to timely for me also..And so comforting to hear other mother’s struggles with this also. My family is mostly great about it, but a few still offer my kids wayy to much J-U-N-K!!!! Mostly, it is ignorance, so I’m trying to educate them slowly! Again, thank you and bless all of you for feeding your families real food and sticking to it!
I unconsciously follow the 80/20 rule, I would say, becasue we do enjoy going out to restaurants on occaison with friends (probably a little too often…)and also due to family functions. I try to avoid things that are easily avoidable, such as crackers and dip, and I tend to have very small servings of the sides and desserts. The largest part of my meal is the meat, even though I know it is not grass-fed. When at a restaurant, I avoid bread and I never order anything fried.
My husband takes a lot of work; he is on board most of the time, but he will dive right in to the bad stuff when we are out. I’ve found with him, the more I educate him (subtly, I might add), the more he will turn down things on his own without me giving him “the look.” It takes time, but I’ve found that bullying simply does not work.
I don’t tell people the reasons for my eating habits unless they ask about them. I find that most people will get very defensive about their own eating habits, even if they were the ones to ask in the first place. I figure if they are curious enough to ask, they might be willing to listen and consider my opinions. Otherwise, they are rarely receptive.
I am a diabetic and working at the real food eating very hard. My husband was not up on it so much until he received his cholesterol results back. We both have issues with that. I have tried your coconut candy, but have modified it. I only use the cocoa powder, the coconut oil, vanilla and the honey. I am not a big fan of coconut, but the oil I am fine with.
I was very surprised about what little effect this chocolate had on my blood sugars. I take only 1 unit of insulin when I eat it. I just break it up into pieces. I need to getting something like ice cube trays or candy trays to make it in, so I can reference a serving size if anyone asks.
As far as when I go to peoples houses, they are use to me not being able to eat a lot of what they make since I am a diabetic. Now they we are trying to get pregnant, I have to be even more careful.
This is such an important topic and those who do not have to address it or choose not to address it, mean well, but don’t understand. My husband has celiac and people who want badly to do the cooking, say they will stay away from anything with gluten and they mean it. The problem is that they don’t know that some of the most mundane items like soy sauce has gluten. Fortunately, there is a mock soy sauce that is very good but I don’t expect to find that in anyone’s cupboard, nor would I ask them to purchase it.
The road to H*ll is paved with good intentions is so true. I see good friends try so hard and sometimes are hurt when they goof and hubby just can’t eat it.
On the other hand, I have another friend who checked with me, chose to use no spices, had only vegetables and chicken, plain. I felt badly because she is a fabulous cook and loves to cook for people but her attitude was so healthy. Make it right for my hubby and everything else will be fine and it always is. I alway bring something so there is at least one or two more flavored foods.
I think we should be thankful for those who go out of there way to “try” to do it right and can take the “rejection” when it does not work out. They are worth gold.
I like to fill my kids up on good food they like before going to a party. Also, I agree, if you’re too strict your kids might miss an opportunity to learn for themselves which is very valuable. One time my 10 year old son received a large amount of candy from a teenager at a church sponsored event and had eaten most of it before I arrived. He has not forgotten the horrible stomach ache he had for days.
Thanks Kimi for your blog!
We have just been away for Easter and yes, I had to be prepared so that we would not be lumped with a whole heap of dreadful junky food. Thankfully we stayed in our own apartment and I was able to make sure the kids had a good breaky and I took healthy snacks EVERYWHERE! But I did my research before we went and the first morning we were there we hunted out the local organic markets and I stocked up on loads of fruit, eggs, juice and milk.
I also emailed the friends we were visiting beforehand and asked that they only gift the children with a little choc, and they all respected that, and were actually very creative in giving gifts that were not all chocolate and sugar. For my own family (who are very supportive if not also following the same restrictions) I gave them a fabulous product I found at our local organic markets – “chocolate by the spoonful” made from cacao, coconut oil and agave. I wrote a recommendation on it to serve over fresh fruit and they all loved it! And we gave our own kids a little money to spend while they were away – and they appreciated that way more than chocolate.
Due to suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome and subsequently fibromyalgia, I refuse to kowtow to those who “want” me to suffer by making me feel obligated to eat the things I know will make me feel worse the next day. However, with 4 kids I ALWAYS bring something to contribute to anyone’s event or meal – fruit kebabs, natural cornchips or a salad. With a family of 6 to help feed, I feel its the least I can do!
Thanks to all! Such great suggestions. I especially loved hearing from you older ladies, who’ve raised kids and have given your insight.
Like many at home we eat healthy, but out…UGH! We even have to watch the chemicals/fragrances in the homes (like soaps and candles which will put me in an asthma attack, a violent migraine and/or make me sick-to-my-stomach).
For my boys I see it all as a matter of “training” them to recognize signals in their bodies when they don’t eat well or encounter things that they are sensitive too. This can be a challenge if you and spouse don’t see eye-to-eye on dietary issues. After we’ve talked the issue over at home, I’ll allow my 5 year old the choice to have his trigger foods (sugar, dairy, chemicals), then when his sinuses go crazy (giving him an earache or very stuffy nose) and he acts wrong (misbehaves), I point out how he’s feeling and then explain to him where I believe it came from (being chemically sensitive myself) and how others won’t understand and tell him differently (folks who say that sugar doesn’t make you sick or weak). I assure him that he’s smart and can discern these things for himself, even if it’s not like everyone else. My 2 year old on the other hand, simply won’t eat but at home he’ll gobble-down a plate of veggies (and people don’t understand it).
In addition to the suggestions above, (1) I pray about it and ask God to help the person/gathering not focus on diet issues but rather let our fellowship be sweet (and would suggest that to any of you who are religious to try it). (2) We eat BIG snacks before we leave. If we are spending the night, I pack snacks in my pack to give very healthy, chemically free breakfasts and snacks (nuts and dried fruits) through out the day. (3) I also bring a healthy dessert (usually muffins with honey butter or Devonshire cream) to share that can dub for breakfast or an afternoon snack. The boys have the option to choose and will usually choose the healthy one.
Best wishes to all who learn to master the art to be polite in the face of food sensitivities
This issue is very challenging for our family, just like many others who have commented here. I find that it’s very easy to eat well at home, but that practically everyone we know, with a few exceptions, finds our eating habits are extreme and frustrating to deal with.
The reasons for “not eating” healthy that are always given to me by people I know vary, but the most common one I hear is that they can’t afford it. Of course, we all know that you don’t have to eat all organic to eat healthier, so I think it’s more of an un-knowingness or possibly unwillingness to prepare foods from scratch. And I understand how difficult it is to switch over from the kinds of foods many Americans and people in developed countries are accustomed to eating and traditional, home-prepared foods. It’s become ingrained in our culture and can be very difficult to depart from. I think when each individual person has had his or her own fill of being sick and health compromised, that’s when real change occurs.
I have friends who feed their children commercial peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on store-bought bread and the ingredients are some of the worst imaginable. Sometimes when I go to their houses I have to make those foods for their kids, and that is really difficult for me to do. I try to bring healthy food for my son and share with the other kids, but it is expensive to do that. I just try to do what I can when I can. But something I consistently notice is that the children stay full longer when they eat wholesome foods, and ask for food within an hour or two when they eat junk.
I have not yet found a good way to explain this to my friend without offending her. In the past we have already encountered the situation described by Kimi where she was offended because it seemed like I was implying that her food was not good enough for my son/us. Although this was in the past and she understands better now, I think the situation is still fragile and I have to be really careful about how I word things. But it’s really hard knowing how much healthier her children could be if they weren’t eating processed foods all the time, and I just want to be a positive influence and help. Her family are my family’s best friends and I have a great deal of concern for them.
I love NT, traditional foods, and good healthy cooking, so I am not commenting here just to stir the pot. However, for people who, whatever their reasons for turning down other people’s foods, say “They think we are judging their food and think it is not good enough, which just isn’t true”, that is EXACTLY what they are doing. Maybe not condescendingly or maliciously, but they are. A decision/judgement has been made in their families, again for a number of reasons, that a particular food is not of high enough quality or proper substance to feed to their families. I’m not saying that is always a bad judgement when sickness is involved, but it is a judgement nonetheless. And judgements hurt feelings and cause defensiveness, especially when hospitality is involved. Go back through the comments here and count how many times the word “junk” came up–sometimes a very accurate judgement, but it is what it is.
I have been on both sides of this divide, so I haven’t forgotten how it feels. We drink raw milk at our house, and Thanksgiving is at our house this month. No one else in our family does, and my mother is utterly against it because almost 100 years ago my grandma got dangerously ill from it once. She thinks I am being totally unreasonable for not buying a separate pasteurized gallon of milk for when the other grandkids are over, because she doesn’t want them to drink our raw and is sure my brother and sister-in-law wouldn’t either. My response? “I won’t do it. They can all drink fruit juice then, end of discussion.” I certainly don’t complain that they don’t serve raw when we are at their house, because it is their house and I would be the rude one then.
On the other hand, I have a friend across the street with a little girl the same age as mine who is WAY stricter about food than we are, and not because there are any food allergies in the family, but just because she has deemed it so. She knows we are a lot closer to her food standards than most people, but she still doesn’t trust us to actually feed her child the food in our house. She has turned down dinner invitations, always sends “special” snacks over for playdates even though our house is stocked with plenty of good things, and has flat out lied to me about her daughter having particular food allergies that I have discovered she doesn’t have so that she wouldn’t be served those things. Many people may consider that a “coping” mechanism to smooth things over preemptively, I consider it deceptive and insulting. She is still my good friend and we agree on so many other things, but this is a touchy issue with us, maybe more so with me because I try to hold my tongue and keep it from hurting our relationship, but it kind of festers silently on my end then.
As for internationals, and even rural North Americans, just not understanding about food sensitivities, my question is, “Why would they?” While it is completely exasperating for the food-restrictive family understandably, the whole food allergy phenomenon is simply not part of their experience. People turn down their food in their cultures out of rudeness, not physical effects the day after. Doesn’t mean they are too narrow-minded, ignorant or dense to understand with time, but they don’t know any other way to react to the situation. And it often seems to me that allergies are something that seem to concentrate in the middle and upper-middle class of white America (I say this as a middle-class white American.) In my experience, I don’t know a single international, including my own husband and in-laws, who have an allergy of ANY kind, and the same goes for farm kids whose families have lived around here for generations. Why is that? More exposure to all the “nasty” little bugs and germs so many try to eradicate in modern urbanized America? Exposure to overly-processed GMO foods for the past generation? (Although that doesn’t explain the farm kids’ immunity most of the time.) Who knows. I would some good answers to that question from the powers that be.